Should Muslim Students Consider Marriage While Still In School: PART I

"This article is part of a series of articles on the topic of marriage and relationships in the Muslim student context. Forthcoming articles will provide more experiences, anecdotes perspectives from fellow Muslims on campus. For those who've caught the feels, don't lose hope!"

Noor can’t focus now.

He just walked by a female student wearing holes with jeans—not jeans with holes. A moment ago, he was invited to lay his “pure” gaze on some exposed legs and thighs on a SkyTrain poster-advertisement.

What’s worse is that today he is not at his best. He’s having a terrible day and is feeling like the members of the opposite gender are conspiring to destroy his imaan with their exposed knees and perfumed hair. They’re just everywhere nowadays.

Oh and let’s not forget Michael and Emily in class, over there, who just can’t seem to stop touching each other. Can’t they get a room! CAN’T THEY GET A ROOM!!

To Noor, any guy that is walking beside a girl constitutes a happy pair—a couple living in the eternal bliss of that which is called a relationship, and Noor can’t help but feel like he’s missing out big time.

Basically, Noor is horny. He’s hormonal—a feeling which is natural.

It comes and goes. Some days are easy and Noor doesn’t have a problem socializing with the opposite gender, while other days if he doesn’t lower his gaze he’s going to have to face a raging wave of hormones that will take a great deal of focus and patience to overcome.

But for the most part, he’s trying to keep it together. Noor is probably thinking, can guys and girls really be just friends?

Here’s a better question.

Should Noor consider marriage while still a student? Also has Noor been working out? Or talking about his feelings with his fellow Muslims brothers on campus, because that helps with the hormone part—I mean aside from talking about plans to marry four wives...

Noor’s perspective is mainly a male-centric one? What about the female perspective? What about the terrifying struggle of trying to be true to oneself while still hoping that there is someone out there for you with the right halal/haram ratio? Someone who understands you when you don't want to talk, or who is mature enough to handle your daily frustrations. I mean, your girlfriends can only go so far before they start jokingly hating on men…but we all know what they really mean when they say #menaretrash.

Everyone just wants to be validated by the opposite gender.

The truth is young Muslim students—both males and females—are struggling. Many of us really want companionship.

Many of us need it. We’d be lying to ourselves if we didn’t acknowledge this. So what to do? How do you talk about it constructively? How do we listen to each other?

And if you’re courageous enough to work out a plan to get married before graduating—or at least get engaged to someone while still a student (it’s been done) how do you go about confronting the societal elephantine obstacles, judgements, parental pressures and goals and dreams for your future all which might be in opposition to your dreams to be hitched.

I don’t’ have the answers. But my humble opinion says that we’ve been conditioned to have oneitis. What’s oneitis? Oneitis is when someone gets fixated on one idea or one person and believes (in this context) that in order for a marriage to be valid, one has to have found “the one” that will be by their side forever.

In short, they fall in love with an idea of that person, not really the person themselves. This is a very common phenomenon among Muslims. In the past, arranged marriages have helped our communities overcome oneitis that occurs prior to a marriage.

In 2018, can we find alternative solutions? And when should parents get involved? And how and to what extent?